1. A transparent popcorn maker. Because you can’t sneak one of those giant, mushy green boogers into it.
2. A cute soccer ball rug. Without a single spongy diarrhea wad in sight.
3. A pogo stick. To stomp out those nasty little alien brains.
4. Scuba gear. Because rotten tennis balls can’t grow underwater.
5. Light bulbs. Because I’d rather chew glass than be charged $2.00 for a single piece of produce.
6. Trivial Pursuit 1980s. Because I don’t care how healthy it is, it’s got a brown testicle that grows inside of it.
7. A fat hickey. Any physical pain is better than the feeling of pasty pneumonia mucous in my mouth.
8. An avocado. Now bear with me. Sometimes, the best way to fight the enemy is to smash it between your own two hands.
9. A Rubick’s Cube. Because any puzzle would be easier than solving why so many people like this God-forsaken fruit.
10. A guacamole bowl. Okay, so maybe I wasn’t totally truthful about what I did with that avocado earlier. Sure, I smashed it. But then I had to lick it off my fingers… and it wasn’t that bad….
11. A washcloth for your hands- to make sure that shit never happens again. Jesus. I’m sorry, I just don’t know what came over me…
12. A cutting board. To focus on good, wholesome foods. Like apples and broccoli.
13. Fuck. I turn my back for one second… How the hell did that get there? And Jesus, look at the pit on that one…
14. Okay okay I admit it! I like the taste of avocados! Fuck! I said it. Sue me. Hang me. I don’t care. I finally said it. They’re just so goddamn versatile. Put them on a burger, on a salad, even a pizza for fucksake. They’re the culinary world’s great equalizer. And not to mention that they’re absolutely beautiful!!! Look at that shit! The striking green color! The picture worthy presentation! They don’t call them a fucking superfood for no reason. I’m tired of pretending I don’t like them. They’re good. And they might be mushy, but so is ice cream. And risotto. And soup. And a bunch of other good shit. So I’m tired of hearing people complain about the mighty ‘cado. Either hop on the avocado train, or die trying to get off. Good luck wasting your chips on a bowl of fake Tex-Mex queso, you ass.
15. A bookmark.